This has happened to you.
You’re standing in a crowded room.
Someone pushes into you from behind. You feel a surge of irritation, even
anger. Who is this careless oaf who can’t respect your personal space? You turn
around to express your indignation, only to discover that the offending party
is actually a good friend of yours who has bumped into you accidentally or,
perhaps, even on purpose and is not smiling at you as you find yourself on the
receiving end of a good-natured prank.
Your anger evaporates in an instant.
But why? The bump was no less of a
bump on account of the person who bumped you. But the bump was never the issue
at all. What was at issue was your ego, resenting the perpetrator who failed to
show you respect.
It’s almost always ego that is the
real perpetrator in any fight. Change one little detail and our irritation or
anger vanishes. But when we feel our ego has been affronted, heaven help the
offending party.
A
folktale
A man woke up one Sunday morning
convinced that it was Monday. No one could tell him otherwise, and all the
evidence his family and coworkers rallied made no impression upon him
whatsoever. On Monday he asserted it was Tuesday, and on Wednesday he insisted
it was Thursday. He refused to entertain the notion that he might be wrong and
that everyone else might be right.
On Thursday afternoon, the man’s
wife made a frantic visit to her rabbi. During the week, her husband’s
delusions were benign, if somewhat irksome. But what would happen that evening
when her husband insisted that the Sabbath arrived at sundown? And, even worse,
how could she prevent her husband from desecrating the Sabbath the following
day, when he would be convinced the holy day was over?
The rabbi pondered the question for
a time, then leaned forward and told the woman what she should do.
The woman returned home to find her
husband issuing orders in preparation for the onset of the Sabbath. To the
surprise of her family, she echoed her husband’s instructions and began
preparing the Sabbath meal.
L’chaim!
That evening, the husband returned
home from synagogue – apparently unimpressed that the rest of the community had
not observed the traditional Friday night Sabbath services. There he found his
entire family dressed in their finery and waiting for him in their respective
places at the dining table. Pleased to discover that they had finally come
around to seeing things his way, he raised his cup to recite kiddush,
the ritual prayer for welcoming the Sabbath day.
However, the husband did not notice
that his wife had filled his cup with schnapps in place of the usual light kiddush
wine. When he finished reciting the blessing, he swallowed the entire cup in
his usual fashion and, overtaken by the potency of the drink, collapsed face
down upon the table and passed out.
For the next 24 hours, the family
tiptoed around the house so not to wake the man. When Friday evening arrived,
they returned to their places. The wife then gently shook her husband and, as
he roused himself from his slumber, she said, “You must have been exhausted;
you fell asleep before you had a chance to make kiddush! But the
children are hungry, and you can sleep later. Come now, it’s time for us to
begin the meal.”
The husband looked around the table
and, after a moment’s confusion, picked up his cup (which now was filled with
wine) and recited the inaugural Sabbath blessing. From that day forward, he
often recounted how the entire community had miscalculated the day of the week
and bragged about how everyone had eventually accepted that he was right.
Five
ways to prevent escalation
Sleep on it. If I’m too tired to cope, I’m also too tired to fight.
Agree to take up the matter the next day. Chances are it won’t seem so
important then.
Take responsibility. As a rule, every argument has two sides. Even if you’re
right, you may simultaneously be wrong. Admitting that you share the blame
makes it easier for the other to also admit error and scale down, rather than
ramping up.
Bury the past. Don’t start bringing up ancient history (anything older
than a week). Once you go off the edge of the map, there be dragons.
Just the facts, ma’am. Don’t try to mind read, and don’t expect others to read
your mind. If you haven’t been clear, it’s your own fault that those around you
are wallowing in confusion.
Take ownership. I know, it sounds all touchy-feely. But saying, “That
makes me feel bad,” is a lot less confrontational than “you hurt my feelings.”
Give
peace a chance
“Wisdom is greater than war craft,”
says King Solomon in Ecclesiastes, describing how adept psychological or
political maneuvering can achieve more enduring results than brute force,
precisely because the mechanisms of wisdom often go undetected and therefore
give rise to neither alarm nor opposition.
Certainly, the wife could have
continued to battle her husband, achieving nothing except a spiraling level of
frustration and acrimony in the home. Her ability to “let him win” benefited
the entire family, herself included. And although she might have resented his
smugness at believing that he had convinced the others that he was right, she
might find even greater pleasure in restoring peace to her home without the
need to receive credit for “being right.”
It’s the principle! we like to say. But how far does principle get us when our
relationships become frayed around the edges? We’re all human beings, with
human shortcomings and moments of irrationality. Is it so bad to let one
another just be human?
Stress, exhaustion, money, children
and, most of all, ego. These are just a few of the most common reasons why
little problems explode into big problems. By recognizing the contributing
factors, it becomes easier to defuse fights before they happen.
